The Day I Quit Walking On Eggshells

I have dealt with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder ever since I was about 15 years old. It could have even been longer... I'm not sure, because it only started being called BDP in the 1980s. The National Education Alliance defines Borderline Personality Disorder as "a serious mental illness that causes unstable moods, behavior, and relationships." And it is such a strange disorder... It is so hard to diagnose and even harder (read: almost impossible) to treat. 

It wasn't always the same person that haunted be with their mental illness, but it has always been someone. The madness from the disorder found a way to cross my path over and over. So much so, that I even questioned my own sanity.  While the Border is dishing out buckets of crazy (that is simply heat-of-the-moment nonsense), the non-BP is experiencing the real emotions that are associated with such accusations or threats. 

I've been someone's "savior" and their biggest enemy... all in one week... week after week after week.

I've received calls and emails from friends about the person's suicide threats. So much so, that I brushed it off as easily as an empty compliment or bad pair of shoes. 

I've been on the receiving end of wild mood swings that made me want to run for cover. I learned to swing my gold bullet-proof cuffs up as quick as Wonder Woman to defend the attacks. 

I've experienced wild accusations that could never be true... both about myself and people around me. 

I've been plagued by their sudden paranoia to the point that I prepare for the emotions that go along with possible alien attacks and computer hacking and deadly diseases and government takeovers. 

And I ended up changing my behavior because of it. It's funny... the person with BPD changes from day to day... but never really changes. He or she is consistently inconsistent. A splinter that just won't fester enough to give relief. A squeaky wheel that won't be silenced with any amount of grease. And so I started to change instead of creating the necessary healthy boundaries. I felt that the one thing that I could control was me. And if I'd change to accommodate the BPD person, that I'd feel relief. But instead, I became the prisoner. 

"The person with BPD hasn’t changed. But the non-BP has.” 

― Paul Mason, Stop Walking on Eggshells

You see, to release yourself from the prison, boundaries are crucial with someone with BPD...I do know that much. The problem is that sometimes boundaries work and sometimes they provoke. Actually, most of the time they provoke. And the non-BP is left with a choice...

Do I set the boundary for my own sanity, knowing that the Border will explode?

And I learned that I could never fly if was stuck walking on eggshells. I felt like daily activities were centered around not "setting off" the Border. Simple tasks became mine fields. Daily choices became life altering decisions. My life had snow balled into a slippery slope that altered my sense of logic. 

And as a Christian, it gets even more difficult. We think because God is love and Jesus said that "the greatest of these is love" and so on and so on, that love and kindness looks like a Sound of Music or Brady Bunch scene. But is love not disciplining your child for a lie? Is love not calling your spouse out for stepping one foot towards a temptation that could destroy your marriage? Is love not calling out a friend that speaks out of line towards another? So...Is love not setting a boundary? 

Jesus set boundaries all of the time.

“Let the children come to me” was a boundary. He rebuked the disciples’ actions (Matthew 19:13). 

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” was a boundary. He challenged the ones that were calling themselves righteous (John 8:7).

“Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am” was a boundary. He set this boundary for false teachings and non-believers (John 8:58). And they picked up stones. And he hid.

He knew the danger of boundaries. He hid because He knew. And He still knows today how hard it is to stand up and be strong in difficult situations.

Boundaries are a good thing!! 

The story gets complicated for us when we see the patterns of unhealthiness. We must be careful with creating a healthy "family" around us. We can’t create perfection... which is what I expect of course... but we must set boundaries in a world that has learned to hide behind sugar-coated niceties and passive aggressive behavior… all of which is then given a social media façade of perfection. 

All that a lack of boundaries gives us is a petri dish of dysfunction. All saying “It's fine,” does (while denying the ripple effect) is sweep the dysfunction under the rug. Our hearts begin to grow weary and tired and dark with the constant barrage from the Border. And we become the unhealthy person that begins yet another ripple effect with our depression. 

I wish I could say that I've mastered all of he nuances of BP loved ones, but I haven't. I long for change, but know that change will never be. It is up to us to break the cycle of the Border. And it is up to us to love beyond borders while maintaining boundaries that allow us fly above the chaos. 

Connected at the Hip

Recently I shared a blog that I had written over at MiddlePlaces.com, called "Finding June." It was all about how through struggling as a newlywed, I accidentally became besties with June Carter. Not literally of course... but spiritually speaking. My husband and I had gotten into a very rare argument. And I turned to June. She taught me so much that night. Here is an excerpt of the blog to catch you up...

"When my husband and I got married (and yes, it was in a fever and hotter than a pepper sprout), I just happened to start reading June’s book, Among My Klediments.  Late one night, my hubs and I had an argument…which is rare.  He went to bed and I sat on the couch.  I was lonely.  I was very frustrated and a whole lotta mad.  I was dealing with demons of my past mistakes, and I was having a little bit of a pity party.  I was basically a big ole hot mess, and my pouty self decided to not turn to God.  'I’m just gonna sit here and read a book… and NOT the Bible… I’m not in the mood.'  (This is SO unlike me… but it all happened for a reason).  Oh, how sillies we are when we are frustrated.  That night I needed a good Christian woman/momma/friend that had walked through a ring of fire to shake me by the shoulders and say, 'You are okay.  You just got a little lost.'"

June taught me something else that night and it explains a lot about why, for quite a while, you didn't see me with my husband by my side.  We became connected at the hip. It's no secret that Johnny and June got married while carrying a whole lot of baggage and a long series of bad choices. She and Johnny didn't leave each other's sides for a solid year when they got married. They chose to do this for protection. After much discussion, Jerome and I decided that this was important for us too. We both have a lot of baggage, a lot of bad habits, and a lot of fire still under our belt. That first year we wanted, first and foremost, to protect our marriage and honor God in our choices. 

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23 

One thing we had already learned is that sometimes human love just isn't enough... especially if it isn't solidified in a foundation flowing from Jesus. Jesus has to be first in a marriage, and Jerome and I had never experienced that. That first year together protected our marriage in a very unique way. Friendships, commitments, family would all have to take a back seat. Honesty, loyalty, patience had to prevail because of the quantity of time we spent together. We worked apart each day for basically 8 hours... less than that, really, because he left for work before I was even awake. If he was called in after hours, I followed along. When I worked late (and I always do), he was in tow. Church commitments... two for one one deal. Music, of course, continued to be played together. Girls' night out? There usually wasn't one unless he was sitting across the room or even at the table! Guys night watching football? Yep, I was there. Friends with me? You became friends with him.

We were cautious at first. We didn't want to lose friendships or church positions or anything else. We began to see, however, that if friends didn't understand our situation and if they didn't understand that the spouse came first (right after God of course), they might not need to be high on our social priority list. And people that didn't respect the whole "God first, spouse second, kiddos third" aspect, might need some major boundaries. And there were times where I went into introvert overload. I liked being alone and independent. And I soon learned that God was trying to show me that as well. My independence had been a stumbling block to a truly complete marriage. 

And you may still see this as weird or clingy or excessive, but it wasn't. We committed to it and our hearts were forever changed. At the end of the year, we looked at our marriage with new eyes. There were no secrets. There were no regrets. We had a new level of loyalty and respect for one another. We had a new level of independence. We longed for each other's company. And our confidence, when we stood alone, grew stronger because of our connection to one another. And most importantly our walk with God grew some unshakeable roots. 

So I challenge you today to dig deeper in finding a #wholelotta love. It takes being intentional. It takes some long nights and hard days, but it is well worth the struggle. Even if your marriage is in a mess, the grass isn't greener. Be intentional and commit to a year... or even a month of making God first, your spouse second, and your children next... then all that other junk. I am no expert on marriage, but I can hold my hand up high and tell you that I committed to that year whole heartedly and it changed my life. And it'll change yours!!!

We have now moved past that first year and will always face trials and struggles and nights that are dark and seemingly lonely, but in the morning one thing always remains... when I look into my husband's eyes (even when I'm Fire-Breathing Dragon mad), I see the eyes of my Savior looking back at me. And I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the bigger picture and a Kingdom in which, through tough obedience, I can shine so much brighter. 

His Final Brushstroke

Howdy BBs! Brunette BB here and I just had to share a story with you guys. This is one I shared yesterday with my kids in our worship service at church. It is FO SHO BB inspired. I do LOVE spreading a little BB love to those kiddos!!

So my daddy is an artist…a painter to be exact. He paints most anything and everything…usually large paintings.  Every time he starts a painting, he puts the canvas up on the easel and then we (my brother and I) usually get a phone call or a text telling us how wonderful it is going to be. But BBs, all I ever see is a big ole white canvas of nothingness. Ain't gonna lie. And he explains all this fabulousness... And I still just see a big ole white canvas. 

THEN he preps for the painting. There will be dark places and light places and a few shades in between. When I say places, read blotches! Then he sits back in his recliner and calls or texts us and tells how wonderful it is!! And yet again, all we see is big blotches of dark and light places.

Next he starts painting the basic structures of the painting…lines and shapes and more blotches, and you guessed it… we get a phone call.

This process goes on for days and days and my brother and I are always sending him silly messages back about his happy swan or his weathered tree. We laugh, but really we know what’s going to happen. It's going to be some major amazingness!!

My favorite day is the LAST one. Not because the process is over, but because THIS is when the painting comes to life!!  It’s all in the details, BBs. He will add a single brush stroke and the feather on that silly swan comes swooping off the dang canvas! A single blotty kinda motion and… TA DA… mossy castle wall. Sometimes he will walk over with tweezers and add beads as sprinkles on a cupcake or a jewel in the top of a crown or a real pearl as some sort of ornamentation.  And the final touch makes the whole masterpiece.

And then we all come to the living room and he sits back... completely satisfied with his hard work. And it is good...REALLY good...BEYOND good.   

Now this is exactly as I see God creating our universe. Instead of just a painting, He created something more beautifully orchestrated than Mozart’s most intriguing opera mixed with Chopin’s most lovely concerto mixed with a painting more detailed and brilliant than the Sistine Chapel mixed with a sculpture more breathtaking than anything Michealangelo could have ever imagined. And what, my friends, was his final detail? Well let’s review…

Day 1:  He created the heavens and the earth

Day 2:  Sky and sea were formed

Day 3:  Land was formed amongst the sea and plants covered the earth

Day 4:  Light was given… the sun and moon

Day 5:  He created birds and sea creatures

Day 6:  Animals were created and THEN, last but certainly NOT least, man and woman

Day 7:  God rested and called the seventh day holy

So what was the last thing He did before resting? After He created this universe and all of the insanely detailed things that are in it (I mean come on... how creative is HE to have made a platypus or one of those glow in the dark fish or a plant that looks like a monkey's bootie), He stepped back and made his final brush stroke. And he looked at His BBs (the rest of the Trinity) and said, “This is GOOD!” 

BBs, don’t miss this… 

YOU are his final brush stroke.   

You are the pearl.  

You are the jewel.  

YOU are the final detail of his masterpiece.   

YOU are the finishing touch without which, He could have never made this beautiful universe.

So that leaves you two big truths. 

o   SHINE, so you can be what you were intended to be. The final brush stroke and jewel of God’s masterpiece for our Savior.  And see yourself as beautiful as He does. Even with your mess ups and your nastiest of days and your biggest of denials, He CAN make you white as snow and He DOES see you as a jewel in the crown of creation.

o   SEE that others are also a jewel.  Lead them to His beautiful Truth.  Help them see that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Love them.

BBs, we are beautifully broken.  We have big fat messes, BUT that’s not the bigger picture.   

We are the crown of creation FOR the only TRUE one that has ever been innocently… Beautifully Broken. 

Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals,^[a] and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”  Genesis 1:26

Love is Hard

Y'all, we picked love for this month completely on God's advisement. Of course, that's how we should always roll, but I became suddenly without words on the topic. (That doesn't happen often).  This should be easy right? I love my family and I love my life and I love my husband and I love my child and I love my dog and I love my truck. I'm the epitome of a country song. But love is just hard, isn't it?

We say we love a good book or a weekend at our favorite spot. We claim to love God with all of our heart. We love our spouse or child even when they leave trash in the back of our truck... ummm, or dirty dishes in our sink. But when it truly comes down to it, real love is hard. 

I'll tell you a little secret...

I skim over 1 Corinthians 13. I'm not gonna lie. It's a lot to take in. 

Here's what it reads...

Love is patient, 

love is kind. 

It does not envy, 

it does not boast, 

it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, 

it is not self-seeking, 

it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, 

always trusts, 

always hopes, 

always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Here's what I read...

Love is hard,

love is hard,

love is hard,

love is hard,

it's hard,

it's hard,

it's hard,

it's hard,

it's hard,

it's hard,

it's hard, etc. and whatnot.

Hard. Hard. Hard. 

Y'all, I look around and see a whole lotta hard! How am I supposed to show kindness through love to the mean girl that continues to throw ill will at me like I'm in a dunkin' booth? How do I love through patience, when my child (or your child) will not listen and continues to disobey? How do I love my neighbor and not envy their nice house when I live in a shoebox? How do I not keep records of wrongs when that "friend" keeps being a sneakerton and doing things behind my back? How do I love and not be easily angered when I've had a long day? And let's add a little seasoning to that... how about some PTSD or abuse or neglect or grief or loss or too much change or just a bad day? How do I do it all after what I've been through? How do I do it all when I can't even love myself or my family or friends?

All of those words seem so impossible, so I sat down and pushed on through. I read it again... And again. And I read the whole chapter. (You should too... it's GOOD stuff)!

I started reading it a little differently and here is why. I remember as a kid having a friend that always gave the "church" answer in Sunday school. It was always "God" or "Jesus" or "God is love." Well, there's a little truth. God IS love. If I wanna be more like Jesus, then I've got to tackle this love thing! So I put my name in the place of love. 

Anna is patient, 

Anna is kind. 

Anna does not envy, 

Anna does not boast, 

Anna is not proud. 

Anna does not dishonor others, 

Anna is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. 

Anna does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

Anna always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Well, when I look at it that way, I'm at least 50/50 on being those things. That's not bad, right? And then God interjected. And showed me the real truth. I can be most of those things on my own, but with Jesus down deep in my heart and I can be all of those things... and WILL be all of those things. I don't have to try to tackle that list on my own. I have God IN me. That means through His power, I can be all of those things... to ALL of those people. Honestly, that's a bit overwhelming, isn't it?

But He knew that. I think that's why the end of the chapter assures us, that we will look at Him face to face and no longer be confused. We will understand His love as fully as He understands all of our "stuff" right this second. 

And He ends assuring us that we still need faith and hope. It takes that to allow God to flow through us and keep Him first and love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:37-39), BUT the greatest is still love.

I mean sheesh, when I stop and read it all again, everything changes. God doesn't expect me to be perfect, but to try... This is merely a faith walk to eternity. This is merely the teensiest beginning of our walk through the Kingdom. Trying and not being perfect (read: my living nightmare) is ok, because one day we will be face to face and the old, incomplete actions will fade away, and the new will come. And we will be complete in Him and understand true love. Our brokenness will become beautiful!

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 13